Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts

Sunday, May 01, 2011

Despair ! no no


What I'm seeing  in  the hospital is crushing  of feelings ,i wonder if i can get over it or NOT .. If i can  continue having hope or the disaster of despair is coming to reach me as well  !  I still remember that  woman moaning for his dead father whose soul's just left earth   , and that scream of  old women shouting of ketoacidosis !
I still remember that little girl looking at me , I can't  explain what was her look for .. but every time I recall it I become one step to cry !
I remember those astray  looks , those desperate feelings .. those tears !
Yesterday there was a bomb at nabi- Younis ( a neighborhood and an old souq in Mosul , site of the famous Jame3 (nabi younis ) ... 7 humans have been killed  !
I don't care who they are , what is  their religion and and nationality ! all I care about they are human beings and blood has been shed ! … woman has been widowed child has been orphan and a man has been killed !!
Next week – Tuesday is my final clinical exam in medicine , please pray for me to have a brilliant result !

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Finally in hospital !

Hi all !
I miss you people  ! I miss my blog and your comments!
Nothing important has happened since the last entire, but today was a big deal !!
Today is the first day in my clinical life! Today is the first day when I'm able to wear stethoscope on my neck and hold neurological testing hummer in my hand !
It's huge transformation from a theoretic study to clinical applications , I can't explain my feeling now,, but it's my life long dream before my eyes !

Thursday, December 31, 2009

2010

Under the rain , I walk with my best friend besides me ….
With her hand plaiting with mine ~
Putting the coat lid on my head … without un umbrella !
WOW! It's a fantastic scene !!
But my boot is made of shamwa'a so my socks  were wetted !! y3 disgusting feeling !
-------
Today is the last Day  in 2009 , the "the full memories year" , I love it in spite of its ugliness , it has learned me a lot ~~~~ my God I don't know how I have got over them !
These days remind me of Erbil this last year ,It was so fantastic journey and it was the Christmas too,
I woke up this morning feeling of unexplained energy , wore my _gray _ white _gray clothes , and waited for the car …. After nearly a week of putting my head inside something called " Mcminn's atlas of human anatomy" , anatomy videos , and the body at the college … finally today I have passed the exam on , ya … I think I did it well …
My heart was beating so hard , and my stomach was cramping so loud  because of the stress … my memory brought me back to that last Anatomy practical exam,, with all of its persons  and faces ,,, with all its happiness and fear …….
Suddenly Elisa's song came to my mind …. "The endings  of winter _ awakher el shtaa"  , and I was about to cry !
Form this day on till 31 January I have  exams,,,,, I  pray they'll pass peacefully ….
Wishing you a wonder full year full of happiness and success …
)*(HAPPY NEW YEAR)*(

Friday, November 27, 2009

Good morning Miss pure heart!



What I have done?!

where the hell am I now?!

who is beside me and who is against me ?

I'm lost again!

was a sleep for that along while and "awakned" from time to time by some way or another! by somebody or another ! dealing with all as the same , no hate in my heart and I take everything by innocence !

Oh, God !!! what I have done to make me deal with such people! God, If this is a test I will be patient coz I believe in your mercy !






God ,please forgive me ! please guide me!

These few days life has welcomed me and opened  her wide gate  , I don't know if I'm ready to see her ugly face ,,, but I'll face it sooner or later ! my innocence will end today or tomorrow! I'm gonna grow up this minute or the next !

I used to say I will never change , I will be as my dad and mom have brought me up ! but I just can't ! my pure heart has no place among these black ones…. Oh , I can't imagine how I was a fool ! yes, innocent one is a fool with privilege !!!!!

I can consider this year as a test for me , and I wonder If i even can pass this test without failure !!!! 

If you weren't a wolf , wolfs gonna  eat you ! … this is my motto now !

Guys forgive me … I'm changed from this second and forth! I can't say more ….

Thursday, October 08, 2009

I live by the beach


Crying is what I remember that Sunday , it's situation doesn't need to be cried for!
I recall the moment the last time I hugged her and kissed her goodbye , with our  tears  washing my cheek and hers…
Next day my friends at college said are you sure it wasn't your marriage yesterday (opening mouth  of my beauty hhhhh I'm kidding)
Wednesday was horrible , my friend fainted with hypocalcaemia ! I didn't know what I was feeling all I remember I took off her shoes and carried them with my hand in middle of the college as we delivered her to Emergency at hospital nearby!
Today was full of adventures , at physiology lab we had an experiment of RBC count , I have bad memories with blood! Every time I see someone Sucking it with needle my heart beats fasten and I go unconscious!
More over I insisted to  be the donor of the blood and the one I sucks it with pipette!
I fainted !well, I have to strengthen my heart ! 

After this lab we have lecture  also of physiology , frankly I didn't understand any thing .. feeling my brain would explode at any moment! Then I lastly looked at data show seeing some student sitting at first stage setting near a fan and his hair was jut FLYING , I poked Susu and said look at him I feel am in the beach , she burst  laughing !
This slightly move my feeling and get me out of unconsciousness !
I'm tired , I'm lost ,    not feeing my days , I don't know it's hard to explain so I'll stop here avoiding more internal crying !

Friday, October 02, 2009

Berserk ocean

Help please !
Am heading to be crazy ??!
Everyone is getting away from me , far away from me ….
No one is near, all are in the distance ~
No one to talk to ,
I feel nobody is close enough to understand ! I'm in a very tough emotional crisis.
New life , the first time in my life I feel responsibility! With no one near to even hear me!
My sister , her marriage next week, this means all those years will go with the wind , just will DISAPPEAR!
In this month long, my family leave to Beirut! Another responsibility !
My brother busy with his work , starting to  think about his own life.
My little sister has began  her new year in school .

I'm like a broken boat in middle of a Berserk ocean ! 
 
My friend is busy with her 2nd attempt exams! Other one hasn't got used to life here yet !
College is so boring and hard ,.. I feel it has no taste … I can't smell the breeze I used to smell , I can't see faces I need to see !
………….. silence !

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

I love you , don't leave !




Masha'a allah days pass so fast! It's like yesterday since the summer vacation began ! 27-9 I must be ready to go to college again !
I don't have any clue if I 'm exiting to attend college or not ! but any way it's better than this situation .
THEY packed my sister's luggage today , she is preparing to move to her husband's family's house , frankly speaking … I didn't give any participation in this bcoz I'm sure that would breake my heart ! I can't explain it , she is like my soulmate, my brain twin ! she is designed how I've been designed . I don't deny I differ from her so much , but I'm like her … and the first one I put In the foregroundTo take advice IS HER , coz I trust her.. and trust what she thinks .


I' afraid that she will leave us , leave me ! I'm afraid even to think about it !
Who I'm going to ask if I get into trouble ???although if I get into troubles I seldom ask someone's help ; I prefer mange them by myself , but having her beside me ,, feeling her she would be with me any time .. every time I want her to be is a great feeling , it's like having a gentle hand will never ..ever let you fall on the ground! Never let you down … so to whom I will talk ?? I know I'm used to talk to myself in my problems … with whom I will laugh ?? with whom I will cook ??who is going to tell me right from wrong ?! I trust I have mom ,dad and a little sister and a brother .. but she is different … she is another case !!


I think with myself sometimes how life without her would be ?
I escape asking her or talking to her about this stuff ,,and if I talk to her about it I make myself never mind or don't know what are the consequences … I know she understand me .. and read my thoughts and she also afraid of talking about it …
Will I still silent till I lose her ??!
I think other times how we grew together these yesteryears , how we spent the hard times of siege together .. having fun and living with peace .. I remember how we played with our dolls ,, how we scrabbled together.. how we use to love each other ….
Silent .. I decide to stop right here !by this song :



You make me feel funny
When you come around
Yeah that's what I found out honey
What am I doing without you
You make me feel happy
When I leave you behind
It plays on my mind now honey
What am I doing without you


Took for granted everything we had
As if I'd find someone
Who's just like you

We got a little world of our own
I'll tell you things that no one else knows
I let you in where no-one else goes
What am I doing without you
And all of the things I've been looking for
Have always been here outside of my door
And all of the time I'm looking for something new
What am I doing without you

Well I guess I'm ready
For settling down
And fooling around is over
And I swear that it's true
No buts or maybes
When I'm falling down
There's always someone who saves me
And girl it's you

Funny how life can be so surprising
I'm just realizing what you do

We got a little world of our own
I'll tell you things that no one else knows
I let you in where no-one else goes
What am I doing without you
And all of the things I've been looking for
Have always been here outside of my door
And all of the time I'm looking for something new
What am I doing without you

Well it's feeling right now
So let's do it right now
Praying that some how
You will understand the way
It's feeling right now somehow
I won't let this slip away

We got a little world of our own
I'll tell you things that no one else knows
I let you in where no-one else goes
What am I doing without you
And all of the things I've been looking for
Have always been here outside of my door
And all of the time I'm looking for something new
What am I doing without you!!!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

She is back !

Ring >>> ring

Hello ---- ,

Hello 3eni !!

OH , without believing my self- !! susu !?!?!??!?-

How are you girl?? How are you doing???

When have you arrived to Mosul !!??

I miss you Girl !

My best friend Susu has spent a year in Syria , for studying medicine too , I was heavenly happy to hear her voice again ,, All that time I was talking to her via chat messenger .

She said " I was so happy and optimist that I'm going back home with my family , but when I entered Mosul ,, it's like a cloud blackened my heart .. the concretes ,, the checkpoints … the army .. the wretched streets and so on !! and more over the hot waether :)) "

i don't blame her .. maybe because I've got used to it and have never tried another country in my life .. between you and me … I think it's better afraid not to break my heart …\

Any way I was happy for her return and bagan to Imagine how to spend my life college with her and with other friends

Till next time


stay safe

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My Imaginary place

Me .. You and That Imaginary Place…
 
Me… I'm sitting here.. Near the fireplace , in front of a window… 
It's cold and warm at the same time ..  
Raining in the room and sunny outside!!! 
just waiting A person to talk to…. No!!!
a simple word .. 
Waiting a simple sound to listen… 
A simple breath to breathe with ….
A Heart to be close to …. 
Here… I feel alone .. Helpless … 
I feel a body without a soul!! 
A body who is suffering with respiring air..
Suffering with seeing things .. 
Suffering with breathings fragrant of blooms .. 
Suffering with going anywhere.… 
The body… as been said..
And the soul has travelled to another place .. 
Indefinite and hazy place …
A spot of land which is cloudless ..  
Pure ….
From hating 
Detesting …
From wars …
Anything defective …
frightful .. 
Anyone wrongful.. And any child fearful.. 
Is this place is really on earth ??!! 
Or my soul has just left me for nothing..
For no place … 
For nobody!!!
And you ……..
Oh .. you !!! 
What a distinct human??!! What a special pleasure??!!  
What a soul that every moment I reach …
It comes near to my heart.. 
It controls my brain .. 
It makes me feel with no affliction and no pain…
It takes my soul and runs away>>>  
Leaves to that imaginary place … 
With the ruins of mine!! 
Ruins that need to be repaired .. 
Ruins need to return to their real body..
Their real place…..
You know what????. I don't care!!!
My most important want … 
My most urgent need ;…
Is to be with you ..
Is to breathe what you are breathing .. 
Is to see the face that you are not seeing .. 
Is to hear what you are whispering in my ear… 
Is to feel your hands when they touch mine…
In fact that is my imaginary place ^^^……………despite  being on earth…. And despite being not that special place!!!…

I see i must send this poem again , it remined me of my self ^_^ 
don't forget to read the other post : "pretty life "  *_^

Monday, March 23, 2009

Am I ready to heal someone someday?

setting while staring and thinking about what I have done the 18 years and some monthes ago, and what i'm going to do... what were my dreams and what are  my aims.. what people i used to know ... and what people i'm going to meet. wondering about what i have achieved and what has left to be achieved, i realized that they are too many.. too many that they can't be counted.. first is to complete what i have just begun this year... the dream of dreams... my only destiny.. my aim since i was six.. is to be a doctor... 
i wonder sometimes; do i have the enough courage to be that heavenly person??.. am i ready to take this responsibility.. or i'm certain that i can do this otherwise i wouldn't stick to this dream like honey on skin in a summery day.. what will i do when i'm in charge and reponsible for the lives of too many people... what will i do when i'll see a baby crying with pain.. seeing this one is enough to me to feel the real PAIN...
as a matter of fact it is not in my hands i can't help it, i believe in angles... (with other word i believe in God-allah-) he'll guide me to what he has already planned to me.. the people i'm gonna meet.. the world i'm gonna see... the problems i'm gonna face....
i think healing some one in need is the holy thing that can only make me cherich my life.
------
far away from this subject:
what would you feel if you don't have  a single  drop of water in your house.??? tell me your answer, may be you feel what i'm  feeling  now.. 
furthur information :the water has been cut off since unlimitted period in our neighbourhood

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Memories and facts

Unfortunately I don't understand that much in politics , in fact (fortunately) ,coz I have too many things are worthier to discuss than politics. But since I'm an Iraqi girl from bone to bone and each drop of my blood is pure Iraqi. I must talk a little bit about politics. I hate it actually , there is nothing can initiate a war but politics. Neither the difference in religion nor in culture can make a reason for a war. Only politics and  pure money advantages are the cause . I know there are people don't agree with me in this matter. But nothing is going to change my mind in it ; you say wars at this century are started to improve the local situation in a country or bring DEMOCRACY to it . I don't agree . if that was the matter why Africa is still poor and the children there are starving??!! Why Iraq has been chosen to be the blessed choice of the blessed democracy . no , it's not like that it's not as we see by our naked eyes! We need an electron microscope to see more fine details .. why the last war has been made on Iraq?? Why too many countries have participated in this war??? I agree it wasn't a good situation before it , I admit it. I even didn't have the chance to enjoy my childhood as all children in the world ; you know what world I mean. Since my nails were fragile and soft the war of 1991 started.. and then the siege . no electricity no water… no internet no mobiles no nothing!!! . when I was six as I remember we used not to see the face of electricity(public expression) once every 25 hours per 24 hours. I remember when we moved to our house we didn't have a water  for  daily usage in the neighborhood for 3 years !!! and the mobiles and internet were luxury. In fact we didn't imagine how a mobile can be !!! in 2003 and during the war , I remember the sound of the alarms of the raids filling my ears . even they were damaged  and continued sounding even if there wasn't any American plane!!! For my astonishment , the power during the war time  was continuous at least it used to go off for 2 or 3 hours a day . and that is a rare thing for the cursed Mosul at that time ( Baghdad , power in it was continuous all the day  although Mosul is the third biggest city in Iraq and it has the imaginary inter-exploited dam .!!!. a city with  such big dam must have a sustained source of power and pure water!!! For the sake of God. Some places in Iraq don't have a worthy water to drink!!! , in fact all parts of Iraq . and if we don't use filters housed in our homes. We would be dead by cholera or something.

As a normal girl I have dreams , one of them when I was a child is to learn how to play on guitar or piano . again mosul doesn't have centers specialized for such purposes  , and another dream gone with the wind.

 Q:What does Mosul have ???

A:

1-      Mosul university which I love it so much and I dream to make something special to it coz it has a special place in my heart

2-      One park before the last war ( Hadikat al shuhada'a) (martyrs park) . I remember before the war by a nearly a week I visited it with my family to see the flowers and gardens' festival organized in it. And I have never seen it till this minute.

3-      A big market ( we call it souq ) and how old people call it (Bazzar).

a-      Sarich Khan

b-      Bab al sari

c-       Bad al toob

d-      Bab al baidh( gate of eggs ):D and others

e-      Al dwasa

^^^^^^^

Ancient places( too public) , and moslawis can't  live without them. I rarely visit these places

  

 

  

f-       Majmoua'a al thqafia

g-      Al zuhur

^^^^^

Modern places usually full of youth and young people, contain internet cafes , clothes shops, electronics shops(which I love to visit) and finally home delivery or however they call it (every day supply) and of course restaurants    

 

4-      After war two parks built near our house and I have never visited them till now.

5-      Houses. Mosul is full of houses . if you visit the cities of the north of Iraq nowadays you will certainly see the difference . Mosul needs a very careful care to its purity and purgation of pollution . maybe I would be a good municipality administrator :D:D. sometimes my heart 's beats accelerate when I see too many dirties in some parts of Mosul.

6-      Schools which need a lot of care and sufficient supply  of everything WORTHY for students. Curriculums MUST be improved !

7-      Health centers and clinics , when I visit some of them I really feel disgusted. Hospitals need MORE care for the sake of God!!!!

8-      Hotels (Nineveh palace , Oprahwi  , Mosul hotel and others which are nearly  abandoned  .   

 

Although those might make you feel hopeless that the things will change for better in Iraq but I believe there is a generation will make a difference in Iraq , who knows?! what is the time for  the evolution of this generation !!!

 

 

Monday, September 01, 2008

Violet



You can see violet's policy :)